Someone shit on the floor
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
