Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
