Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
