I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude i'm inner monologue high
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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