Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
