Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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