my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
