I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
