Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
