I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
