Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
