How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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