Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
