Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
