dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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