At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
