I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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