I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
