The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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