well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize