If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
