When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
