We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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