I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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