Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
