It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
