Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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