Can i not drive my cunt home
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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