I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I touched a dick in church today
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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