if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
sarcasm needs its own font
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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