I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
