apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
