I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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