i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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