Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
