you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize