We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
