I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
