either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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