I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
