i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
