So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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