meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize