the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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