Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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