just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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