I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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