what day is it and did you see me today?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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