We're facebook friends in real life
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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