I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
