i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
love makes seman taste better
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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