God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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