I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
