I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize