I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
