Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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