I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
