i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
