I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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