She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
